My baby playing in the snow....

Flakes, flakes all around me.... I bet you thought I mean people didnt you....

My list of things to be thankful for is far less shorter than my list of things to not be thankful for this year. I am trying to make myself believe that I will be a happier person if I concentrate on the "Be Thankful for list" Is it fair to start the list with "It could be worse but its not yet?" or would that be on the other list....

Top 5
1. I am thankful Kevin and I both have good jobs so far
2. I am thankful we have a home to live in and be warm
3. I am always grateful for my 3 grand kids that I love more than life.
4. I am thankful for my husband who is my best friend
5. I am thankful this year is almost over and I have another chance at a good one next year.

Isn't she getting big. She doesnt even have a baby face anymore :( She is growing up so fast. I remember being tickled at her talking in complete sentences and now she is writing complete sentences! When I was younger and people told me that time passes more quickly as you get older I didnt believe them but now I know its true!!

My favorite time of the year is coming up and I am just not in the spirit of any holiday. This has been a terrible year. I kept waiting for it to get better but it never did. This year Kevin and I are going to a Lions game on Thanksgiving. We have never been to the new stadium. I hope the food places are open! I told the kids I would put a ham and turkey in the oven before I left if they took it out when it was done and make all the sides and deserts. I am not sure I am getting a big tree even. I think Ariel and I are going to get a Barbie tree. I will put up the Penguin and that is about it. We already have Ariels big present and I will get her a few more things and that is it. No more 500 gifts under the tree for us. Not this year at least.

This is what halloween looks like in Calfornia where Evan and Brenden are!

Halloween pics. I know I am late in posting but life has been very busy! Ariel was a Pirate to match Brendens costume at Dance but she was a cheerleader for school and to trick or treat,

I cant believe I havent updated this thing since July. We had a great summer again with the boys and it seemed like in a blink of an eye it was over and the boys went back. Ariel started 2nd grade. She is taking ballet and tap this year at the her dance studio. We should be busy :)

I did 2 weddings in August, 3 in September and 4 in October. I have taken 5 family shots and one baby. I have 2 seniors to do next week. I wish they had called when it was a little warmer out. I am thinking about doing a promotional event to get some more business because my job is no longer stable. I cant even describe the chaos so I wont try but its a disaster. I turned down so much photography work that I wish I would have taken now.

Christmas will be here in the blink of an eye. I am not ready for that or snow!!

We hang out in abandon buildings. Took these just before we got to the carosel and boardwalk.

You have to meet and pray for these special wonderful people!!!

Do you want to meet some cool people?? I have to convince myself every day that I don't really know these people and hang out with them. I swear Tricia just came for ice cream and Nathan and I got some good shots of baby Gwyneth!! When one of them is sick, I worry all day, when one of them accomplish some medical miracle of the week, I smile all day! You gotta read this story about Nathan, Tricia and Gwyneth. They have been extremely inspirational to me in their faith to God. It really helps to put some things in prospective for me in my own new walk down the right path! Just click below on Confessions of a CF Husband.

Confessions Of A CF Husband: Fast Track (Updated 7.4.08)

Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised
and bring you back home.
I know what I'm doing.
I have it all planned out -
plans to take care of you,
not abandon you,
plans to give you the future you hope for.

As some of you know, this has been by far one of the worst years in my life. It started on New Years Eve actually, like a big fat hint of things to come. One thing after another, to something worse, to even worse , then to the grand finale of them all, only then to find out something just as bad. Every month has held its own little tragedy, sometimes two with no resolutions in site. I know some things are going to take years to recover from, some things may not be recovered from at all. Life is not ever going to be the same for any of us. But that doesnt mean that it wont be better. Much better.

I just want you to know that I could not have made it without Jesus Christ walking right beside me, holding me up, keeping me from going over the edge. Even when I didnt realize it. Even when He was the farthest thing from my mind, He was holding on to me. When I wanted to pack it in and run away from all that was happening he had his arms around me holding me up, pushing me along, making me take care of business.

I will never understand why God lets things happen to people but I do believe he does things for a reason we will eventually get to understand. Sometimes He makes things happen to keep other worse things from happening. And sometimes He does things so we will be forced to do other things. I look forward to some of His explanations :)

I now know and believe things without seeing them with my own eyes, by just faith and that is the first time for me. I am going to be baptized soon. I held off for some time because I dont have a good story to tell about my new belief and life. At my church they play a video of your "story" before you go under the water. I didn't have religious parents or friends who encouraged any type of religion. I didnt have anyone really make me "see the light" so to speak. I only had myself and God. I had to work through my doubts and fears pretty much on my own. I had to learn to believe things I couldnt see. My breakthrough came when I learned of a verse somewhere that said "if you want to believe, God will make it so you can believe" I am extremely hard headed but I KNEW I wanted to believe. I just dont trust people that much. I could not understand how my life after death would be affected by some guy who got himself killed and hung on a cross 2000 plus years ago. When I realized that I dont have to understand it to know its true the walls came crumbling down for me. I convinced myself to have faith in that verse. I prayed and told God it was now up to Him to make me believe and so He did. I really cant explain it but if Jesus came back tomorrow I know I would be gone with him. I now think of eternity in a totally different light. I deserve some good eternity! I look forward to it! I have always found a reason to be happy despite my circumstances and now I am even happier. This life is nothing compared to eternity in heaven. I am not sure what it really will hold but I bet I get that big house on the beach....

My biggest fear and worry right now is that I dont want to go to heaven without my kids and my husband and my grand kids. I must learn and develop into a good role model. My kids are very hard headed like me. But seeing good things happen in my life and hearing my stories of faith and knowledge that it all comes from God will have its effect. I fear life on earth after Jesus comes back and takes the believers with him. But I have faith that he will give me the words and the reasoning to deal with my kids. And my family and friends. God answers all prayers. He can't not answer my prayer that my family and friends be in heaven with me.

God please give me the right words to move those who listen to me in the right direction.

Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised
and bring you back home.
I know what I'm doing.
I have it all planned out -
plans to take care of you,
not abandon you,
plans to give you the future you hope for.

Flying Lamps Fill the Sky

Here is a nice picture I took of Holly at the hill. I think I may change it back to color. Her red jacket looked nice against the snow. I was trying to practice my soft skin technique.

The circle starts with a 5 year old girl
Maybe loved, maybe just there
Surely not cherished
Or carefully watched out for
No one made sure the monsters were not under the bed
or in them
No one saw the look on her face
or the look in her eyes if they had
they would have seen her fear, heard her cries
They didnt see what was wrong when they left her alone
if they had looked deep enough they would have seen
the horrors that live in her still and invade her home
these people would now die if they were to know
what was going on

She went from one horror story to the next
She spent her evenings in the bar
but too dark and noisy to do her homework
but too little to be home alone
Too small to raise a voice but big enough to be noticed
that she was a little girl alone in the bar
not noticed by kind strangers who would call the police
or her teacher or preacher and ask why she was there
but noticed by those who look for little girls who spend
their nights in a bar, this is where she learned to
send her thoughts so far, just dont think
now they act shocked that a 9 year old is drunk
and act like they had no idea, it was cute when I was 7
and they act like they dont know

now its to hell and the devil was there
reminding her of how she lost all one night long ago
that her mother left her to face the world alone
one girl now 12 needed someone
cried inside and wanted to be loved
all she got was grief when she could have so
easily felt love if those around had cared
not to be so selfish and into themself
so self rightous and cruel to someone
who just wanted and needed someone to care

I wish I could say that this story ended well
but now she lives in her own adult hell
wishing someone had guided her another way
wishing someone had loved her the way
that she loves her own but then she realizes
that the love she has
doesnt mean a damned thing
because all through life the only thing
she learned was how to tune it all out and
be passive and not be heard. Just tried to keep
quitet thinking it would all fix itself someday
now haunted knowing what happened to that 5 year old
little girl has dictated her life
and ruined what was good and could have been right

No hate here. Totally forgiven and turned over to God.

To my son:

I remember the day I brought you home
So sweet, small and soft smelling like that baby smell I love
smooth black locks of hair and soft brown eyes too beautiful for words
I would have given my life for you without a seconds hesitation
and still would if truth was told
who would have thought way back then
The hell you would live and the pain and fear you would put me in
Somewhere along the line you showed me how real failure felt
The worse failure in the world is to fail what you brought here
You gave me false hope a couple of times
You made me so proud and I thought I had beat the odds
The odds of someone so young who had been through so much
who couldnt possibly know how a good parent acted because she
had never seen one
I tried most of the time to be a good parent, I guess that meant very little
and it sure wasnt enough
because here I sit again with my heart broke and tears falling
not knowing what to do as usual but cry tears that do nothing
I would cut my heart right out of my chest and hand it over to
someone if they said they could fix you
I will never understand how you cant see how much you have and what you could be
you look past all the people who love you and would help you attain the world including me
somewhere I must have commited the ultimate sin to be given 5 chances and
never be allowed to win, not one win
The love I have for you, your family, your friends, our ignored advice, our talks
our heart to hearts, your broken promises, your sins
the sum of your life in my eyes
a strong smart loving man with a heart of gold that no one sees
now my mind can spend its time wondering what you could have had
what you could have been, how good you could have lived
how happy I would have been, you could have had it all
if not for the love of alcohol