The circle starts with a 5 year old girl
Maybe loved, maybe just there
Surely not cherished
Or carefully watched out for
No one made sure the monsters were not under the bed
or in them
No one saw the look on her face
or the look in her eyes if they had
they would have seen her fear, heard her cries
They didnt see what was wrong when they left her alone
if they had looked deep enough they would have seen
the horrors that live in her still and invade her home
these people would now die if they were to know
what was going on

She went from one horror story to the next
She spent her evenings in the bar
but too dark and noisy to do her homework
but too little to be home alone
Too small to raise a voice but big enough to be noticed
that she was a little girl alone in the bar
not noticed by kind strangers who would call the police
or her teacher or preacher and ask why she was there
but noticed by those who look for little girls who spend
their nights in a bar, this is where she learned to
send her thoughts so far, just dont think
now they act shocked that a 9 year old is drunk
and act like they had no idea, it was cute when I was 7
and they act like they dont know

now its to hell and the devil was there
reminding her of how she lost all one night long ago
that her mother left her to face the world alone
one girl now 12 needed someone
cried inside and wanted to be loved
all she got was grief when she could have so
easily felt love if those around had cared
not to be so selfish and into themself
so self rightous and cruel to someone
who just wanted and needed someone to care

I wish I could say that this story ended well
but now she lives in her own adult hell
wishing someone had guided her another way
wishing someone had loved her the way
that she loves her own but then she realizes
that the love she has
doesnt mean a damned thing
because all through life the only thing
she learned was how to tune it all out and
be passive and not be heard. Just tried to keep
quitet thinking it would all fix itself someday
now haunted knowing what happened to that 5 year old
little girl has dictated her life
and ruined what was good and could have been right

No hate here. Totally forgiven and turned over to God.

To my son:

I remember the day I brought you home
So sweet, small and soft smelling like that baby smell I love
smooth black locks of hair and soft brown eyes too beautiful for words
I would have given my life for you without a seconds hesitation
and still would if truth was told
who would have thought way back then
The hell you would live and the pain and fear you would put me in
Somewhere along the line you showed me how real failure felt
The worse failure in the world is to fail what you brought here
You gave me false hope a couple of times
You made me so proud and I thought I had beat the odds
The odds of someone so young who had been through so much
who couldnt possibly know how a good parent acted because she
had never seen one
I tried most of the time to be a good parent, I guess that meant very little
and it sure wasnt enough
because here I sit again with my heart broke and tears falling
not knowing what to do as usual but cry tears that do nothing
I would cut my heart right out of my chest and hand it over to
someone if they said they could fix you
I will never understand how you cant see how much you have and what you could be
you look past all the people who love you and would help you attain the world including me
somewhere I must have commited the ultimate sin to be given 5 chances and
never be allowed to win, not one win
The love I have for you, your family, your friends, our ignored advice, our talks
our heart to hearts, your broken promises, your sins
the sum of your life in my eyes
a strong smart loving man with a heart of gold that no one sees
now my mind can spend its time wondering what you could have had
what you could have been, how good you could have lived
how happy I would have been, you could have had it all
if not for the love of alcohol