To my son:

I remember the day I brought you home
So sweet, small and soft smelling like that baby smell I love
smooth black locks of hair and soft brown eyes too beautiful for words
I would have given my life for you without a seconds hesitation
and still would if truth was told
who would have thought way back then
The hell you would live and the pain and fear you would put me in
Somewhere along the line you showed me how real failure felt
The worse failure in the world is to fail what you brought here
You gave me false hope a couple of times
You made me so proud and I thought I had beat the odds
The odds of someone so young who had been through so much
who couldnt possibly know how a good parent acted because she
had never seen one
I tried most of the time to be a good parent, I guess that meant very little
and it sure wasnt enough
because here I sit again with my heart broke and tears falling
not knowing what to do as usual but cry tears that do nothing
I would cut my heart right out of my chest and hand it over to
someone if they said they could fix you
I will never understand how you cant see how much you have and what you could be
you look past all the people who love you and would help you attain the world including me
somewhere I must have commited the ultimate sin to be given 5 chances and
never be allowed to win, not one win
The love I have for you, your family, your friends, our ignored advice, our talks
our heart to hearts, your broken promises, your sins
the sum of your life in my eyes
a strong smart loving man with a heart of gold that no one sees
now my mind can spend its time wondering what you could have had
what you could have been, how good you could have lived
how happy I would have been, you could have had it all
if not for the love of alcohol